Monday, April 4, 2011
Everything came crashing down; i'd rather die.
Sigh, back to blogging again. Realised i didn't really blog for quite a lonq time already. Recently, things haven't been going very well for me, be it prefects, st john's, studies and even, relationship.. Sometimes i really wonder, is it because i went too far? Or is it that you don't even care at all.
I really wonder, will you be happier without me? I've been thinking for WEEKS. It isn't just a day or two. And apparently, i don't think it'll make any difference to your life, even if i'm not there for you.. I really wonder, is your heart still with me? `Cause i guess not. You just had camp, you're tired, you're stressed up and stuffs. I understand, i really do. But why is it that you would rather facebook than text me?. How lonq does it take for a person to text 'Back from camp.' for me, its just 30secs. Or maybe even, less than that. Is it just so difficult for you to text me? Your heart just isn't with me anymore, right? You'll be happier without me, right? I know it hurts me, but if that's a fact, i would rather you tell me now, i'd rather get hurt now, when everything is wrong. Than to get hurt, when things are right. I need an answer.
You keep tellinq me, that you still love me, that you don't want to have a breakup. But, things aren't what it seems now. Is it so hard to text a 'morninq'? You said, jc is tough, yeah i know jc IS indeed tough. You promised me that, we won't lose communication no matter what. But we ARE losing communication. You've betrayed my trust, and now, you expect me to trust you? Feel secure with you? I know that, i don't want a breakup. People keep askinq me, where you are. How am i supposed to answer? When i don't know ANYTHING. You've been keeping things from me, since last month. Till now. I didn't say anything because i don't want you to get stressed up! But ended up, im the one who is freaking stressed up cause of this. You said you don't want us to end up like anne and leon. Then you want us to end up like you and mavis? You want a repitition of the past? Is it that?
Do you even remember, on the night of prefects chalet, we were damn close. I sat beside you, i felt something i haven't felt before in my life. And i guess, that's what they call, a sense of security. I felt it. I felt blessed, i was happy. When we went to the beach, to watch the sunrise, although it wasn't really clear, but it was nice, and i said it was nice isn't about the view, but its about the feelinq, the feelinq where you are beside a person you love, the feelinq of happiness, the feelinq of bliss. I felt that, and thats where everything started, didn't it? On 25th december, we were sitting there, by the breakwater. Admiring the scenery, feelinq the breeze of the sea, looking at the sky. It was perfect. And thats where you first held my hand, i felt very lucky, to have you in my life. I felt secured. On 31st december, at the beach, where i poured my feelinqs out to you. Share my problems with you. Sharing my burden. Where i admitted that i was jealous that you loved her. Where i told you not to cry, knowing that your about to. Where i first hugged you. Where you first kissed me on my forehead. Tellinq me everything is gonna be okay. Promised me you wont let me feel that pain ever again. On 10th january, where it was your birthday, where you gotten your O-levels results. We were at 5th floor of E-Hub, where i cried because of your results, i cried because of the jc that your mum asked you to go. Where you asked me to close my eyes, and where you first kissed me. You told me, everything is going to be fine, then you hugged me, makinq me feel secure, making me believe in you. On the 26th of february, in the beach, where i doubted you. Jonathan helped us to clear the misunderstanding, where you apologised to me, and when you hugged me while i was crying. You made me feel secure again. At that point, i promised myself, that no matter what, i would not ill-treat you. Never again. But however, that was the last time, the last time that i ever felt secure. And that was 26th of february.
And now, it's already 4th of April. I still feel as though im wasted, i feel like dying, i don't want this pain. The sharp pain in my chest, which i think is what others call a heartbreak. It was worse, worse than how i used to confessed to you and i know it was impossible between us. Everytime i thought about breakup, i would cry, the feelinq of losing someone important to you. The feelinq of dying, the feelinq where you're wondering what will happen, if you broke with that person. That feelinq of insecure, where you can't eat proper meals, can't sleep properly. Where you're tired of everything, and on the verge of giving up. I'm feelinq that. You told me, you don't want a breakup, but everything you've given me, since 26th february, is an indication of breakup. And always the reason is cause of, JC. Its not about JC. I told you, i don't need a immediate reply, i don't need a constant messaging topic. What i want is to feel the way i feel last time, the feelinq where you know that you're loved. I didn't get it since then. Is it cause your heart isn't with me anymore? Or is it other reasons..
Sigh, back to blogging again. Realised i didn't really blog for quite a lonq time already. Recently, things haven't been going very well for me, be it prefects, st john's, studies and even, relationship.. Sometimes i really wonder, is it because i went too far? Or is it that you don't even care at all.
I really wonder, will you be happier without me? I've been thinking for WEEKS. It isn't just a day or two. And apparently, i don't think it'll make any difference to your life, even if i'm not there for you.. I really wonder, is your heart still with me? `Cause i guess not. You just had camp, you're tired, you're stressed up and stuffs. I understand, i really do. But why is it that you would rather facebook than text me?. How lonq does it take for a person to text 'Back from camp.' for me, its just 30secs. Or maybe even, less than that. Is it just so difficult for you to text me? Your heart just isn't with me anymore, right? You'll be happier without me, right? I know it hurts me, but if that's a fact, i would rather you tell me now, i'd rather get hurt now, when everything is wrong. Than to get hurt, when things are right. I need an answer.
You keep tellinq me, that you still love me, that you don't want to have a breakup. But, things aren't what it seems now. Is it so hard to text a 'morninq'? You said, jc is tough, yeah i know jc IS indeed tough. You promised me that, we won't lose communication no matter what. But we ARE losing communication. You've betrayed my trust, and now, you expect me to trust you? Feel secure with you? I know that, i don't want a breakup. People keep askinq me, where you are. How am i supposed to answer? When i don't know ANYTHING. You've been keeping things from me, since last month. Till now. I didn't say anything because i don't want you to get stressed up! But ended up, im the one who is freaking stressed up cause of this. You said you don't want us to end up like anne and leon. Then you want us to end up like you and mavis? You want a repitition of the past? Is it that?
Do you even remember, on the night of prefects chalet, we were damn close. I sat beside you, i felt something i haven't felt before in my life. And i guess, that's what they call, a sense of security. I felt it. I felt blessed, i was happy. When we went to the beach, to watch the sunrise, although it wasn't really clear, but it was nice, and i said it was nice isn't about the view, but its about the feelinq, the feelinq where you are beside a person you love, the feelinq of happiness, the feelinq of bliss. I felt that, and thats where everything started, didn't it? On 25th december, we were sitting there, by the breakwater. Admiring the scenery, feelinq the breeze of the sea, looking at the sky. It was perfect. And thats where you first held my hand, i felt very lucky, to have you in my life. I felt secured. On 31st december, at the beach, where i poured my feelinqs out to you. Share my problems with you. Sharing my burden. Where i admitted that i was jealous that you loved her. Where i told you not to cry, knowing that your about to. Where i first hugged you. Where you first kissed me on my forehead. Tellinq me everything is gonna be okay. Promised me you wont let me feel that pain ever again. On 10th january, where it was your birthday, where you gotten your O-levels results. We were at 5th floor of E-Hub, where i cried because of your results, i cried because of the jc that your mum asked you to go. Where you asked me to close my eyes, and where you first kissed me. You told me, everything is going to be fine, then you hugged me, makinq me feel secure, making me believe in you. On the 26th of february, in the beach, where i doubted you. Jonathan helped us to clear the misunderstanding, where you apologised to me, and when you hugged me while i was crying. You made me feel secure again. At that point, i promised myself, that no matter what, i would not ill-treat you. Never again. But however, that was the last time, the last time that i ever felt secure. And that was 26th of february.
And now, it's already 4th of April. I still feel as though im wasted, i feel like dying, i don't want this pain. The sharp pain in my chest, which i think is what others call a heartbreak. It was worse, worse than how i used to confessed to you and i know it was impossible between us. Everytime i thought about breakup, i would cry, the feelinq of losing someone important to you. The feelinq of dying, the feelinq where you're wondering what will happen, if you broke with that person. That feelinq of insecure, where you can't eat proper meals, can't sleep properly. Where you're tired of everything, and on the verge of giving up. I'm feelinq that. You told me, you don't want a breakup, but everything you've given me, since 26th february, is an indication of breakup. And always the reason is cause of, JC. Its not about JC. I told you, i don't need a immediate reply, i don't need a constant messaging topic. What i want is to feel the way i feel last time, the feelinq where you know that you're loved. I didn't get it since then. Is it cause your heart isn't with me anymore? Or is it other reasons..
Keep your heart with me, memories will always be withh me ♥
1:58 AM
1:58 AM